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As a casualty of the endemic of childhood sexual abuse, I can tell you firsthand how isolated, lonely and non-trusting it makes you feel as a child and how these life altering symptoms follow me into adulthood. The brain of someone that’s never lived an experience such that I have cannot fathom the horrors of the experience and realize how prevalent this type of child abuse is sadly.

The reality is that even one reported case of childhood sexual abuse is too many, but to think of those that aren’t is disturbing, sickening and downright saddening. This type of abuse will follow most of these children into adulthood like myself and can manifest in many different directions. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are much more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, to struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and to experience major depressive episodes.

I suddenly and unexpectedly became severely irritated and angry 5 years ago. I was working full-time as a production manager for a manufacturing company, with a responsibility for 10 employees and the timely delivery of half million-dollar orders. 

Initially, I had days when I was just intensely irritable with my job, employees, family and suffered from periods of anxiety and severe headaches. I just attributed this to the stress of the job and the often-longer hours that came with it. Then one day while driving into work I decided it would be appropriate to crash my truck in an attempt to end my life. Though I didn’t follow through on this, it was the start of very strong suicidal thoughts and impulses that would randomly pop into my head unwarranted and required extreme mental energy to resist acting them out.

Why are you so reactive and down,” my wife asks — and for good reason. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping, and you have a little boy looking up at you and I start crying.
He is pointing at things and muttering nearly inaudible words though you know he is asking to learn.
Of course, I answer in the only way I know how: “I don’t know. I don’t know.” Because I don’t. Not really. The tears caught me-as they often do — unaware and off guard. But deep down, I do know, I am cycling again.
I am slipping into another depressive mood cycle.